I don't believe in God, because I find the whole concept and precept aboriginal, but I wish I did (much like I wish I were gay) because it would make everything so much easier. However, I am susceptible to certain philosophies that use the idea, at least tangentially. I don't embrace and espouse them, but I sort of see how they make a modicum of sense, at least. Karma appeals to me in theory, but, like tenets of monotheism (and, for that matter, polytheism--any theism, really), gets a little silly when particulars are discussed.
I've acknowledged it before, but I think, if there is a divine presence (theoretically, of course), my accounts have been balanced and finalized. To continue the financial metaphor, I am in the black, even if I were in the red for a while. I won't cite particulars (sensational and juicy as they may be), but the truth is that I have done things that may have warranted the pall of MS. The atonement period expired months ago, however.
Now I'm amassing credits that I don't believe will ever be redeemed. The awful difficulties that I face every second of every day should get me a plush afterlife. Unfortunately, I don't believe in one. I really wish I did, so I no longer resent theists--let's call them Christians, to make things easier. They blindly throw their faith behind a deity that they cannot substantiate (pardon the pun, Catholics). I'm fine with this, because it doesn't affect me.
Like I said, the concept of karma appeals to me, but not, admittedly, in the purely benevolent sense. What I endure is an unremitting (even if the ailment does remit) torture that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Actually, I probably would if I didn't have to experience it myself so acutely. It would be an undeniably enticing curse to bestow on someone. Just not me...
My theological beliefs, although they are really nonexistent, center on Hunter S. Thompsons's "Great Magnet." This differs from synchronicity because it places a moderate amount of influence on the individual (& it's not an album by the intolerable Police). So, I accept a certain amount of the difficulties of MS, but I think those stumbling blocks have been accounted for, and then some. Now I'm taking whatever else emerges from this annoying, debilitating disease on credit.
I wish someone could convince me of the existence of a deity. Any attempt at proselytization, however, is immediately disregarded. It's just not a purely selfless gambit. Sure--someone may insist that it is, but actually he or she is actually trying to validate their own foolishness. I can hear protests from numerous acolytes of various faiths, but, like John Stossel says, "Gimme a break."
Like many a narcissist (an ex-girlfriend insultingly gave me a copy of Alexander Lowen's book, simply titled Narcissism--thanks, he said sarcastically) would avow, back to me. Being stricken with MS eradicates any mystical ties that religion could offer. This might seem like the opposite would be true, but actually it only has cemented my aversion to magical thinking. In Catholic school, we were told that God embodied three things: benevolence, omnipotence, and loving. If this were true, how to account for something that contradicts all of these? I realize that I sound like Job, who lamented his constant travails, but, again, gimme a break. Anyone who believes such simplistic nonsense clearly cannot conceive of such suffering. I always thought that that story was utter bullshit. He should have been pissed, because what all-benevolent being would subject one of his, uh, subjects to the multitude of tortures that he had to abide? You'd have to be a monumental prick to foist such horrors onto someone. Or a negligent, ignorant child with a magnifying glass who roasts insects willy-nilly. And don't give me any nonsensical, passionless explanations that emphasize humans' intellectual inferiority.
If logic is so mysterious, doesn't that mean that the vast majority of us is insane? Actually, that doesn't seem so unreasonable.
R
