Astronauts and Old-School Intimidation

Because I love it, I selected "Ghosts of American Astronauts" by The Mekons on my iPod, and evidently accidentally pressed "Repeat" and have been listening to the song nonstop for about half an hour. Although this sounds like the actions of a potential psychopath, I urge you to get it wherever. Listen to it, and tell me it does not deserve to be replayed endlessly.

Follow this train of thought: if astronauts sat down and spoke with Blue Dog Democrats, health care would pass easily. Furthermore, if an astronaut--a Democratic one, so we could be assured there was no residual brain damage from whatever mission--sat down calmly with a crazy Republican (redundant, I know), I'm sure he could convert even that lunatic.

He would still have the buzzcut, of course. Have you seen a current astronaut, by the way? The buzzcut has faded, but I assure you that none of them has a mohawk or even an earring, except the women, but this still applies only to the latter. Plus, he (or she again--let's all assume I refer to both sexes here, so I don't have to keep typing five more letters. Suck it up, feminists.) is physically intimidating beyond the hair. Even if the guy is short, you know he's square (both physically and, most likely, culturally) and squat and immobile and stronger than a lesser primate.

All these town hall outbursts come mainly from morons. Think of only the jackass who brought a gun to an Obama speech, and remember that he never even got near a microphone, at least not at the event itself. The thing about morons, though, is that really they're pussies. Even a giant can easily be toppled, at least emotionally. This guy was reduced to tight-lipped aphasia when questioned aggressively by Chris Matthews. Chris Matthews! He's loud, sure, but he looks like the boy with his thumb in the dike.

Think now of the progress we can make on health care reform if only a tough, taciturn astronaut walked up to a hesitant legislator, or, better, a pompous loud demagogue. He could tap Senator Chuck Grassley, from Iowa, on the shoulder and induce a massive gulp from the idiotic politician who vociferously rallies the ire of his dumb constituents when talking about health care reform. And forget about Palin: she could be knocked over with a glare from Shannon Lucid, who looks like a scary gym teacher, and was one of the first female astronauts.

We need astronauts to strong-arm, with silent intimidation, any bloviating, weak-kneed politician when it comes to health care legislation. I would love to see a "Scared Straight" installment like that.

And, obviously, astronauts are very smart, so even that would scare Palin and any other vapid right-winger.

R